Larry Porthole

"The Land of the Lounge Lizards" - VGA

Jokes


Larry 1 VGA Inside Lefty´s - Click for a larger image
 

Here are the jokes as presented in Lefty´s Bar. Many thanks to Árni Víkingur for sending these in!

A recently recruited lumberjack was bemoaning the lack of female companionship at his new outpost in the North Woods. He asked the foreman what the other men do. The foreman replied: "Up on the hill behind that shed is a barrel with a knothole in it´s side. Most of the guys use that." The lumberjack said that he could never do that, and walked away. But, he soon changed his mind, and late one night, headed up the hill. There, behind the shed, he found the barrel and tried the knothole. To his surprise, the found quite pleasant; in fact, very enjoyable.

Over breakfast the next morning, he remarked to the foreman. "Say, that barrel is truly amazing! Does this mean that any night I want to, I can just go behind the shed and use that knothole?" "Any night but Thursdays". the foreman replied. "Why not Thursdays?" asked the lumberjack. The foreman replied....

... ´cause Thursday´s your night in the barrel!

This is one of those classic, three-ethnic group, fill-in-the-blank jokes, where you substistute the ethnic groups you wish to offend. It could be Polack-Italian-Jew, minister-priest-rabbi, or whatever; just fill in suitable group names when you tell it. Being a programmer, I´ll use the variables A, B and C.

An A, a B and a C were driving a country road late at night when they had car trouble. Of course, there was a farmer´s house nearby, and of course he said "Sure, but one of you will have to sleep in the barn, as I live here alone and I only have two spare beds!" So A went out to the barn, but within a few mioutes there was a knock on the back door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood A, saying "I can´t sleep in there, that cow smells terrible!" So B went to the barn, but again, in a few minutes, there was a knock at the back door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood B. "I can´t sleep out there, that pig smells terrible!" So C went out to the barn, and within a few minutes, there was another knock at the back door. The farmer opened the door...

...and there stood the pig and the cow!

Liza was on a country drive with her boyfriend Ernie, when she realized she simply "had to go" to the bathroom. She kept waiting and waiting for a gas station to appear, but finally a rought bridge go the best of her. She screamed: "Stop the car, Ernie!" He did, she leaped out right in the middle of the bridge, ran to the railing, hiked her skirt, and stuck her rather large rear-end over the railing, just in the nick of time!

Heaving a sigh of relief as she finished, she glanced down, let out a shriek, and ran back to the car in embarrasment. "What´s wrong, Liza?" asked Ernie. "Oh, Ernie, I´m so ashamed! In my dire need, I forgot to check the creek below the bridge. Ernie, I just urinated into a canoe!" Ernie replied....

..."dammit Liza, doncha know ya own reflection?"

Two nuns were traveling to town for supplies when they were accosted, robbed and raped by two young men. As they resumed theirjourney, the younger nun said, "Oh sister, whatever will Mother Superior say when we tell her we were raped twice on our journey to town?" The elder nun replied, "What do you mean, twice?". The younger nun said, "Well..."

"...we are coming bck this way, aren´t we?"

The Lone Ranger was captured by outlaws, tried by their kangaroo court, and sentenced to die at dawn the following day. His last wish was to say goodbye to his dear friend, Silver. That night the outlaws granted him his request, the Lone Ranger whispered in Silver´s ear, slapped him, and the big horse ran off to freedom. At dawn, the Lone Ranger had the noose around his neck when he spotted Silver galloping over the hilltop with a beautiful, naked woman riding on his back! The Lone Ranger shouted...

"...you idiot! I said POSSE!"

Ernie had too much to drink and decided to sleep it off in his car, leaving Liza all alone at the bar. A big dude walked by her, looked her over and said, "Ooh, Liza! You´ve got the prettiest knees I´ve ever seen! I´d just love to rub those for you!" She ignored the impudent remark, and continued to drink. A little later, she was a little drunker, and her skirt had slipped a little higher. The same dude walked by again, and said, "Oooooh, Liza! You´ve got the prettiest thighs I´ve ever seen! I´d just love to smear those with oil and rub it all over you!" She also ignored this remark, and continued drinking. A little later, she was a lot drunker, and her skirt had slipped alot higher. The same dude walked by again, and said, "Ooooooh Liza! Why, that´s the prettiest thing I´ve ever seen! I´d like to fill that all up with ice cream, and eat it all out!"

Liza had had enough! She hopped off the stool, stomped from the bar, raced to the car, and woke Ernie. "Ernie, you good for nothing, I want you to go in that bar and defend my honor!" Ernie grumbled, "What the hell are you talking about, woman?" She says, "Why, this big dude came walking by and said I have the prettiest knees I have ever seen, and then he said I have the prettiest thighs I have ever seen, and then he said I have the prettiest thing he´d ever seen, and he wants to fill it up with ice cream, and eat it all out!! Now, you get in there and defend my honor!!" Ernie just rolled over, closed his eyes and said, "Dammit, Liza..."

"...nobody can eat THAT much ice cream!"

One Saturday evening, a priest realised there was no wine for the morning services. He quickly headed for town still dressed in his old clothes. Since his usual store was closed, he used a shop in a rather questionable neighborhood. He completed his purchase and walked outside as a lady of the evening shouted, "Hey, buddy! Twenty-five bucks for a quickie?" He ignored her, and returned to the church. However, his curiousity had been piqued, so seeing Sister Lisa in the garden, he asked, "Sister Lisa, what´s a quickie?" She replied...

"...25 bucks, same as in town!"

There once was a hermit named Dave Who kept a dead whore in his cave Though he kept her on ice She didn´t smell very nice But...

"...just think of all the money he saved!"

A man picked up his blind date, and discovered she was a beautiful, young, wheelchair-bound double amputee. He suggested a drive-in movie, and she readily agreed. While watching the film, they became very friendly, and subsequently quite passionate. She suggested they go someplace where they could be alone. He drove to a deserted country lane, and they became even more friendly, and "very" passionate. Unfortunately, because of her handicap and his car seats, it was impossible for them to continue.

Quickly improvising, she noticed a nearby tree with two low branches. "If you´d carry me to that tree," she said, "I could hold those branches and we can finish what we both want!" He did, and she did, and they did, and it was wonderful! Later, they returned to her home. He was pushing her wheelchair up the sidewalk when her father opened the front door. "My, such a courteous young man," her father said. "What a pleasure it is to see that chivalry is not dead!" "Why sir", the young man responded, "the least a gentleman can do is walk his lady to the door!" "Yes," replied the dad, "but you know how guys are these days..."

"...a lotta guys just leave her hanging in a tree somewhere!"